I am not sure that “melancholy” is the right word. I wouldn’t say I am sad, or down-in-the-dumps, but I wouldn’t say I’m my normal self. I have been trying to pinpoint what it is that has me reflecting, but I can’t. 3 different things have happened in the last 3 days that I cannot stop thinking about…so; I am just going to write about them and hope it makes sense when I am done writing.

Those of you really close to us, or those of you who followed our adoption experience know that we lost our son Caleb. Caleb was 6 months old when he passed away due to pneumonia. We were waiting for the final approval to travel to pick up our son when we got the phone call we will never forget. It is hard to explain the emotion and heartbreak we felt over losing our son…a son we never even met. I think about him every day and know he impacted our lives in a huge way. I honestly don’t think we would be in the ministry we are in today if God had not opened our eyes so wide during that experience. Who knows.  The Lord gave us the desire to help children in need, and that desire took over our lives when we realized how many children there are in our world who are longing for a mom and dad to care for them.  And how many children are literally dying while they wait.  It is a harsh reality.

I mentioned a couple of days ago that we were able to speak with David Platt while visiting the Church of Brookhills on Sunday. While we were talking to him, his son ran up. He was Asian. His name was Caleb. My heart dropped when I heard Mr. Platt call his name. I looked at that sweet Asian face and my heart crumbled. My Caleb has been at the front of my mind since then. It is hard to interpret what emotions I feel, because obviously, we would not have Khai if Caleb was in our arms right now. But, I still want to mourn the loss of Caleb. I just wish he could’ve spent his short 6 months with us and not in an orphanage… I wished I could’ve loved on him and rocked him and wiped his snotty nose. And I obviously know that was not possible, so it seems like a silly thought. Okay, now I am rambling — just trying to figure out my emotions…

Anyway, I am ready for bed, so I will not explain situation 2 and 3…maybe I will get to them tomorrow. Sorry this post was so depressing — I didn’t mean for it to be!

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4 Responses to melancholy?

  1. Bethany says:

    I love melancholy. It’s my natural state of heart. Love this post.

  2. Bethany says:

    Love the snow. BTW. Where in the world did you get THAT idea?

  3. metaphase says:

    I think about Caleb too, pretty often actually. I alwayst think of how Binh got pneumonia just before his first Christmas home, and we took him to the doctor, got him some antibiotics and a shot and he was on his way. I think how simple it was for us to get him the help he needed and how Caleb didn’t have that opportunity. Everyday things that so many of us take for granted…

  4. Mandy says:

    I have recently been reading a blog about a mom who was pregnant with twins and lost one of them 2 weeks prior to “viability”. Now, 2+ years later, she still mourns for her son. She stated that she has realized that mourning for one child doesn’t take away from the miracle that is the living child, and celebrating the living child does not take away the pain of losing a child. It is possible (and normal) to feel both.

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